Are you abused?

In BDSM relationships, as in any other, there is a possibility of abuse. Somewhere in the Internet⁽¹⁾ I've found these questions for detecting abuse in a relationship. It was intended for vanilla couples, but, of course, it can be used for a BDSM relationship.

 

Of course, in a BDSM scene, the dominant is going to abuse, verbally and/or physically of the submissive, and the submissive will enjoy it. That's the game. But, outside the scenes, are you abused? Do you enjoy it? A BDSM relationship is no excuse for abuse. 

 

Nobody should be subject to abuse, and remember that if you are abused is not because something is wrong with you. Something is wrong with your playmate.

 

If you are a submissive, answer this questions. And if you are the dominant, what do you think your submissive answers would be?

 

Are you engaged with someone who...

• Embarrasses or makes fun of you in front of your friends and family?

• Puts down your accomplishments or goals?

• Makes you feel like you're unable to make decisions?

• Uses intimidation or threats to get you to agree with them? (in the real life, of course)

• Tells you that you're nothing without them?

• Treats you roughly-- grabs, pushes, pinches, shoves, or hits you? (Outside the scenes, without your consent)

• Calls you several times a night or shows up to make sure you are where you said you'd be?

• Uses drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?

• Blames you for how they feel or act?

• Pressures you sexually for things you aren't ready for? (in or outside the scenes)

• Makes you feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship?

• Prevents you from doing things you want, like spending time with your friends or family?

• After a fight, tries to keep you from leaving or leaves you somewhere to "teach you a lesson?"

 

And what about you? Do you...

• Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?

• Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner's behavior?

• Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?

• Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner happy?

• Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?

• Always do what your partner wants you to do, instead of what you want?

• Stay with your partner because you're afraid of what he or she would do if you broke up?

 

If you answered yes to some of this questions, talk to somebody you trust or look for professional help. It is possible that you are being abused.

 

⁽¹⁾ http://www.pbs.org/inthemix/shows/

show_dating_violence2.html (back)

 

Published: 01/05/03