The safe word

 

The safe word is a word negotiated by the participants in a BDSM scene to stop it if the subs limits are exceeded.

They allow the bottom to retire his/her consent for the continuation of the scene. Continuing the scene after the bottom’s use of the safe word is considered abuse (as continuing having sex after your partner asks to stop is considered rape).

After so categorical definition, some considerations.

A special word is needed to stop the scene because it is normal (and it is fun) having a bottom asking the top for forgiveness, crying, making a fuss, saying “no, no, please stop!” when s/he is enjoying the game, and doesn’t want it to actually stop.

Sometimes a specific word is used (for instance “mercy”), or a color code (green for “everything ok”, yellow for “I’m near my limit” and red for “Stop”.)

The safe word should be easy to remember and to pronounce (we do not recommend (“supercalifragilisticexpialidotious”) because the bottom will be under a lot of stress if s/he has to use it, but not likely to be said by accident when the bottom is begging to stop but s/he doesn’t mean it.

If the bottom is going to be gagged, some other sign must be used, as releasing something the s/he has in his/her hands o ringing a bell (which, of course, s/he must hold in his/her hand or have tied to it).

Using it or not

The safe word is mandatory at the beginning of a relationship, or when you are entering the BDSM world. It gives the bottom the peace of mind of knowing that, if s/he is not enjoying the game, (maybe the bottom overestimated his/her limits or made an error in the negotiation) s/he can stop it. The bottom can then abandon him/herself for engaging in new practices or new partners (that s/he knows will respect the safe word), which allows him/her experimenting without the fear of a bad experience.

 

She can also feel free to release her emotions, knowing that no matter how much she cries, shouts or fights, the dom will not stop the scene unless she says the word. (thanks, Ann)

Saying the safe word is a last resort device, that should not be used often. Its use means that something went wrong. The bottom should no use it for trivial reasons (s/he is supposed to have negotiated the scene beforehand, setting the limits and agreeing to the scene in general), and the top should be receptive to the bottom’s body language, to the signs that the limits are being reached and that something is not right.

But it should be used if needed. The top can’t read minds, and can be too overloaded to notice the signs. Some subs are afraid to use it, because they feel they are failing his/her top by not being able to receive what the other wants to give.

Don’t “cry wolf” every time, but do it if there is a wolf around. Ruining a scene and perhaps a relationship for not saying the safety word on time is stupid.

Saying the word is bad, but needs not to be the end of a relationship. The scene must stop, the bottom should be unbound, and probably the two of you should cool down, drink a coffee and talk about the problem. After that, it is your choice if you continue playing, or let it for the next time.

For more experienced players, there are different positions. The purists say that if the bottom is giving consent to the scene, s/he cannot have the possibility of retiring it because s/he doesn’t like the punishment. It is especially true if you are playing the slave. A slave shouldn’t have any control, and shouldn’t be able to stop anything.

Some subs feel that they are not submitting, that they are not defenseless and on the hands of the other if they are given the possibility of stopping the action.

Maybe you can play without a safe word if you are in a long relationship with your partner and have played with him/her for a long time, so you know each other intimately.

Other people think that a safe word is mandatory, because there are too many possibilities for something going wrong, and that the bottom should have a way of making the top know it.
 

My choice

Personally, I’m into hard pain, and I prefer it harder than which I can stand (actually, I enjoy the helplessness I feel when I would do anything to stop it, but there is nothing I can do, and not the pain itself). If I can stop the scene when reaching my limit, I’ll do it (and regret it later).

 

My solution is that, for an emergency, I have a safe word that can stop the scene for a while, until I can tell the top what is happening. But it is only valid if there is actually a problem, if I am fainting, if a knot slipped and is making me choke, if the position is dangerous, if something is hurting me for real. It is not valid if I use it just because I can’t stand the pain. If I do, not only the top can go ahead with the punishment, but also can add some extra for discouraging me to use the word just to get some respite.

 

The three phrases

We found in the internet a technique that could help to avoid the sub having to say the safe word by using different phrases for telling the dom  beforehand the level of effort or discomfort a task or punishment means for the sub.

• As you wish: means no problem
• If you wish: means the sub doesn't want to, but for no reason
• Only if you wish: means the sub has reasons for not doing it. It could be discussed later.

 

The dom can decide whether s/he insists or he changes his mind.  If s/he insists after the "only", s/he risks getting a safeword in response.

 

Finally

A last recommendation: the safe word is for the bottom’s, not the top’s, peace of mind. There are conditions, when the bottom is in sub-space, or under hard pain, in which the bottom is not in shape to think, much less to say the word. If s/he is under an endorphin’s (natural opiates released by the body when in pain) high, s/he can be too intoxicated to be able to estimate correctly the danger.

 

It is the top’s responsibility not getting carried over by the scene. The top should never loose his/her control. It is the top’s responsibility to be aware of the bottom’s status, to avoid hurting him/her. It is no excuse for the top to say “you didn’t say the safe word, I didn’t know that something was wrong”. When somebody trusts you enough for submitting to you, you have a big honor, but also a big responsibility. Don’t betray your bottom.

Mutual trust is fundamental to enjoying a BDSM relationship. Always, ALWAYS stop the scene if the word is said.

 

Published: 07/03/03

Revised: 11/23/05