BDSM (imagine it as BD-DS-SM) is an acronym formed by the letters B & D, for Bondage and Discipline, D & S, for domination and submission and S & M, for sadism and masochism and tries to include people that is in a wide range of sexual preferences.
The acronym seems to appear for the first time in 1991, in the alt.sex newsgroup (the newsgroup forums were very popular at the beginning of Internet) .
In my view, ( and in the view of many persons who think that BDSM should be called EPE, Erotic Power Exchange), BDSM, which is perceived by the rest of the people as being about pain and aggression, is actually about power games.
The dominant (or top) gets its pleasure from the feeling of power of having over the other a control that is not normal in real life.
The submissive (or bottom) gets his or her kick from the feeling of helplessness of not having control on what happens to him/her, of giving him/herself to the other in a way in which one doesn't submits usually.
Of course, if the game is safe, sane and consensual, played among normal people, it's all fantasy. The dominant cannot do to the other whatever he wants without limit, and the submissive is in no real danger of being abused. But that power interchange is what people looks for in a scene.
That is the reason why most outsiders, including the psychologists, don't understand BDSM. They are trying to understand why somebody likes to suffer, that is secondary in the scenes, and not why somebody wants to dominate or being dominated.
They will not be of interest to our site, but in BDSM are also included fetishes, that consist in reaching sexual arousal by elements that are not the usual ones, as leather costumes (traditional in the area), worship of the feet, kissing or smelling some clothing from the other, etc. There are also included the "water games", as playing with urine or feces, and also dressing and acting as the opposite sex.
BDSM is, then, a word that encompasses many types of fantasies, which sometimes have little in common but for being outside what is considered traditionally as "normal".
Of course, nobody likes all this practices. Every one has his/her own fantasies, and sometimes you cannot understand how the other can enjoy something you find disgusting or directly revolting. But people are this way, and so should they be accepted. "Your Kink is Not My Kink but Your Kink is Okay" (as long as it is consensual) (safe and sane depend on your point of view)
Dominating or being dominated, being helpless in the other's hands or having the other helpless at your hands, receiving or giving spankings are sexual fantasies that many (if not most) people enjoy.
We've read that more than half of the people has this kind of fantasies. And that is the reason for the success of "The story of O", "Belle de Jour", or “9 1/2 weeks”, and recently, "Secretary" that show BDSM practices in mainstream movies.
Some people decided to enact his/her fantasies, and they are the BDSM community, formed by people as dissimilar as their tastes, and as normal in everyday life as anybody else.
Acting the fantasies can take many forms, as in any other human activity. They can be enacted in a meeting with people you know (submitting to strangers is dangerous), by paying professionals (there are many), or played by couples that share the same interests.
As in any other relationship, sharing your fantasy with somebody to whom you are deeply related is the most satisfactory of them. Mutual love improves sex and fantasies because is the deepest form of sharing.
As for the practice, if the interest is on punishment, it can go from a mild spanking, just for arousal, to a real beating that leaves the submissive sore for several days.
The same happens with the other practices. For some people, enacting is enough, others need some action, and others are only satisfied with the extreme.
As for the sexual orientation of the BDSMers, is as varied as in other types of couple's relationships. Some are homosexual, some (or most) heterosexual and for some it is a group practice.
BDSM can be integrated to the couple's life as an occasional activity, playing scenes by themselves or as a prelude to sex, or can be a permanent way of life. You can have a relationship where the husband or wife is dominant and the other submissive or a permanent relationship Master/Mistress-slave, in which one of the members give total control of his/her life to the other (well, more or less total, the relationship between a dom and a sub is very complex), or one in which one of the two is a maid, (if the maid is the man, is common that he is "forced" to act and dress as a woman). When the relationship is permanent, punishment is frequently based on real life "misbehavior",
BDSM, then, is different things for different people. The only common thing is that both should be satisfied with his/her role in the relationship. After all, it is just a fantasy.
Published: 01/10/03
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