We got the idea for this article when we heard a woman who calls herself Midori,
a “BDSM sex educator” (she teaches playing techniques), saying “One can’t be
stupid and kinky” in a Discovery Channel video (1). (Yes, we were doing our
homework. As we take our site seriously, we research on as many sources as we
can find).
Many times we've read that BDSMers, contrary to the description of paraphilics by
the psychology, are mostly educated, usually successful people, well adapted to
everyday life.
It is confirmed by the largest professional survey on BDSM conducted so far. It
is somewhat distorted from being an online research which could be only answered by
people with Internet access, not so common in 1999, when the survey was taken.
It is Dr. Gloria Brame’s (a sexual therapist) BDSM Demographics Survey
(2),
answered by 6997 participants of which 57% were male and 43% female.
The results are interesting: 30% of the participants were college graduates, 20%
postgraduates and another 37% had some college education. It means the 87% had
at least entered college. Only 3% were not graduated for high school. Educated
people.
91% answered there was no emotional violence or abuse in their family and in the
86% of cases there was no substance abuse, compulsive gambling or other
addictive behaviors. Well adapted people.
83% declared middle to upper level income. Only 14% declared low income.
Reasonably successful people (at least, in monetary terms).
For being educated, well adapted and successful one needs to be intelligent, as
intelligence is usually understood in our culture. So, intelligent people.
The group that makes this site is no exception, we fulfill all the conditions.
And the visitors who write to our site are usually witty, articulate and have
good grammar (if native English or Spanish speakers). So, it seems that it is
true also for most of them.
It happens just by chance or Midori is right, and being intelligent is necessary
for enjoying our games?
There are many subtle points in BDSM, which require some intelligence to grasp
(even if most of the players just get them without thinking, as we did until
writing for the site made us think on them).
Any brute can beat senseless another human being. But playing it safe, sane and
consensual and anyway enjoying it is not for any brute.
There is a sophisticated negotiation before playing. It can be tacit or
explicit, you can or can’t know that you are negotiating, but it is necessary
agreeing on the limits, the type of scene, what to do and what not to do for the
game being consensual. And the results of the negotiation must be satisfactory
for both parties. Arriving at a result that is satisfactory for both among many
restrictions requires intelligence.
There is also the safety issue. You are playing with ropes, canes, whips and
hitting the other. Doing it hard enough for being satisfactory but not exceeding
the other’s limits and not hurting the other also requires intelligence (and
self-control).
But the most important point which requires intelligence to play our games
is that they require imagination.
“Normal” sex is mainly physical. Any person in reasonably good physical
condition can do it. The body will react to the sexual stimuli, and soon you
will be ready. Any animal can do it, with none or not too much intelligence (as
it is necessary for the survival of any species with our type of reproduction).
In BDSM games, the stimuli are not physical, but mental. If you are playing just
mind games, with no physical action, the name says it. They are mind games, and
mind games require intelligence to imagine and enjoy them.
But even when playing BDSM games that are more physical, the satisfaction comes
not from the body, from the genitalia, as in “normal” sex, but from the mind (of
course, in intelligent people, a good part of the stimulation for “normal” sex
comes also from the mind. But even if fantasy increases the sexual satisfaction,
it is not a necessary condition for enjoying it, as it is in BDSM).
If you are into role-playing, only your imagination can help you believe that
you are a headmaster and she is a schoolgirl, or that you are her transvestite
sissy maid, or that you are a master or mistress and a slave.
Even if you are not into role-playing and you try to play it as “normal life” as
possible, much imagination is required.
No matter how you play our games, they boil down to a power exchange, getting or
giving up power, dominating or submitting. And BDSM’s dominating or submitting,
the core of our games, are just fantasies, as a dominant cannot do with the sub
whatever he pleases and a sub has much control (sometimes even too much) on what
is happening. There are so many restraints, the limits, the safety, the
necessary respect and care for the other, even the safe word, that it requires a
good dose of imagination believing that she is in your hands, or that you are at
her mercy. And when playing make-believe as we do, believing is necessary for
enjoying the game.
Just a small part of the game is real, and it is not the important part. Many
times it is not even the pleasurable part. It normally includes pain,
discomfort, physical effort, that most people, even submissives (who seldom or
never are what the psychologist call masochists) dislike. They are not there
for enjoying but for highlighting the power exchange. The enjoyment comes mainly
(or completely) from the mind. Only intelligent people can obtain so much
satisfaction from just their fantasies.
So, no intelligence, no imagination, no fantasy means no game. Perhaps Midory is
right. One can’t be stupid and kinky.
(1) Pleasure and Pain - The sex files - Discovery Channel.
(back)
(2) Dr.
Gloria Brame’s BDSM Demographics Survey (back)
Published: 11/15/06