We mean, are we sick because we like erotic punishment?
As we don’t know of anybody that thinks that BDSM is a physical illness, we will check the experts in mental diseases.
The psychology talks about “normal” and “abnormal” sexuality. Most of the psychology’s definitions of normality seem to consider what we could call “statistical” normality, normal is what most people do, what conforms with cultural norms (and abnormal should be anything different). As a result, “normal” is a concept that varies with time, religion and places. (But abnormal is defined in detail, which is not consistent).
And when talking about paraphilias (from Greek words meaning parallel and love, love outside the “normal”) they say that homosexuality and masturbation, which were considered abnormal, or “sexual perversions” (the older classification for paraphilias), are now considered normal sexual behavior.
That means that what is now considered abnormal by psychology could have been considered in the past, or could be considered in the future “normal”, which for us means that we cannot use the psychology to help us decide whether BDSM is good or bad (we are worried of being sick, we already know that we are different).
We don’t have to read too much: the American Psychiatric Association has a guide in mental diseases called Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, that is the main diagnostic reference of Mental Health professionals in the United States of America (and most of the world). In its last edition, the fourth, published in 1994 and usually called DSM-IV, defines paraphilias as:
“recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors generally involving 1) nonhuman objects, 2) the suffering or humiliation of oneself or one’s partner, or 3) children or other nonconsenting persons, that occur over a period of at least 6 months.”
As an example, we copy the definition of one, the sexual sadism:
“Repeatedly for at least 6 months, the patient has intense sexual desires, fantasies or behaviors concerning real acts of causing physical or psychological torment or otherwise humiliating another. This causes clinically important distress or impairs work, social or personal functioning, or the patient has acted on these desires with a nonconsenting person“
The other are similar.
A note: in the opinion of many professionals in the area, DSM-IV should have retired the parafilias as they did with homosexuality, because they are also just different sexual orientations with nothing intrinsically wrong in them. What they finally did was to add in DSM-IV "distress" as a necessary component.
But they also say:
"a paraphilia must be distinguished from the non-pathological use of sexual fantasies, behavior or objects as a stimulus for sexual excitement."
accepting that not always our games are paraphilic.
But as it is, if you are distressed because of being homosexual, they will treat your distress. If you are distressed because you like BDSM, they are going treat your sexual orientation. Many sexologists think that that is wrong. Anyway, seems to be that with small changes, they will be maintained in DSM-V... (for a group working for the removal of BDSM from the manual visit this site)
There is a different and interesting model (even if from a minority) for defining normal and abnormal behaviour, which does not rely on “statistical normality”.
Several psychologists, lead by Dr. Judd Marmor, say that a “healthy” sexual behavior is motivated primarily by feelings of affection and tenderness, seeks both giving and receiving pleasure, is discriminating as to partner choice, and is motivated by recurring erotic sexual tensions in the context of physical attraction and affection.
“Sick” sexual behavior, instead, is used as a means of discharging anxiety, hostility, and guilt; seeks only receiving sexual pleasure; is non-discriminating as to partner choice; and is triggered by non-erotic sexual tensions that are often compulsive.
In this light, BDSM relationships (or any other relationships) are not sick if they follow these guidelines, even if they do not conform to the cultural norm and even “normal” sex is sick, if
it doesn't. (Dr. Marmor was talking basically about homosexuality, but it applies to us anyway).
(1)
And Dorothy Hayden, a psychotherapist that has a long experience in masochism, and who propose, as we do, that it is about surrender, not pain, says:
"A travesty of our profession is that we continue to try to "cure" a systems of beliefs and behaviors that enrich and enlivens the lives of so many people. The continuing pathologizing of masochism by keeping it in the DSM-IV as a psychopathology and by most therapists' efforts to "cure" masochists is in part responsible for the continued shame, isolation and low self-esteem of these creative, spontaneous and courageous people who want to be afforded the dignity of choosing their own form of non-exploitative sexuality."(2)
Mainstream psychology doesn’t help. Psychiatry insists, we think that correctly, that the behavior is sick if it impairs the normal functioning of a person or is acted on somebody that doesn’t consent. But in our view, this is not only for paraphilias. Any obsession (even with "normal" sex), if it impairs your life, or it is acted on nonconsenting others, is sick.
In reference to distress, as we see it, it depends on the perception of the behavior by the individual, and the perception depends on the upbringing, on the religious background, on what he perceives as “normal”. For many people, even enjoying sex is distressing, because they believe that sex should be only used for procreation, as it was and is taught by some religions.
If we look at “normal” as statistics, a search of the acronym BDSM in Google gives now 12.300.000 pages. It seems that we are not alone.
On the Internet, in a page by doctor and sexual therapist Gloria Brame (3) we found what is, for us, the only possible conclusion:
“Normal sex is whatever consenting adults find pleasurable. If you are of legal age; if you understand exactly what you're getting into sexually and feel good about it; if you can find another charming adult who shares your interests; and if you practice safe sex and take all other reasonable precautions to prevent sexual transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies, then you aren't just normal, you're blessed.”
And so we reached our own definition:
"Normal sex is any safe and sane erotic activity you enjoy with
a consenting partner"
So, don’t worry, make the game safe, sane and consensual, and enjoy it.
(1) Marmor, Judd, et al. (1977). What Distinguishes "Healthy" from "Sick" Sexual Behavior. Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality(back)
(2) Dorothy Hayden (2001) Psychological Dimensions of Masochistic Surrender (back)
(3) Coauthor of the book "Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission" and author of "COME HITHER: A Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex". She has a web site: http://gloria-brame.com/ (back)
Published: 12/23/02
Rev: 11/14/03; 08/27/04; 10/22/04; 04/26/05
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