Safewords

Remembering to review safewords can be particularly useful and liberating for the caring Owner when he is pushing limits. When he is confident that she will use a safeword if necessary (and only when necessary), he can feel free to push his pet relentlessly, ignoring or even enjoying her pleas, tears, or anger. Of course he will always exercise his best judgment to stop an activity if he suspects she is in danger but “too far gone” to use a safeword.

Having a safeword practice in place is liberating for your pet as well, in two ways. First, having a “way out” frees her to please you by exploring activities that may be challenging. She knows that you will stop if it gets too intense, so she is willing to try.

There is another, more subtle way in which the safeword liberates your pet. She knows that you will not stop the activity unless she uses her safeword. She no longer has to monitor or censor her reactions for fear that you will stop the scene too soon. And she is free to give voice to her natural, unguarded responses to an intense scene.

Discipline

 

Training your pet requires that you provide discipline by correcting inappropriate behavior and reinforcing appropriate behavior.

Corrections most often consist of physical punishment in the form of pain, but can also involve humiliation, withdrawal of privileges, or almost anything that you as Owner can dream up. Sometimes the correction is delivered immediately; at other times will be delayed. But if your pet is to truly, deeply trust that you are in control, she needs to know with absolute certainty that there are consequences for misbehavior.

Your pet may test you when she doubts your commitment to her training and discipline. Even a normally obedient, well-disciplined, but feisty and mischievous pet may test you from time to time. She may “forget” to call you Sir. She may refuse to obey a simple command. She may gaze at you, either with feigned innocence or with blatant challenge. She may get sassy or roll her eyes.

How you respond when tested is crucial to the success and progress of the relationship. And as always, your response must be genuine. Your pet knows you well and will see through any attempt to “act” stern or angry, and your credibility and authority will suffer. You simply need to ensure that the behavior does not go unchecked. Of course, you will rightly strive to avoid an immediate, unmeasured response made in anger – which can easily escalate into abuse.

A logbook can be an invaluable tool for disciplining your pet, particularly when she is testing you or in any situation in which correction will be delayed rather than immediate. When your pet fails to respond appropriately, you need only pull out your little black book and note her error for future correction. You may wish to have a predetermined “code of corrections” for various transgressions; for example, failure to respond to a simple command = x number of lashes; failure to respond quickly enough = fewer than x, and so on. Or perhaps you simply note the transgressions and decide upon the specific corrections later. It can be amusing for you to review the logbook and conjure up discipline scenarios. Your pet will be aware that the notations are adding up and realize that soon she will be in for a very long night indeed. Most importantly, she will see that you are paying attention to her training and discipline, and that there are very real consequences to the choices she makes.

Your pet needs the security of your strength; of knowing that she cannot get away with misbehavior, that she cannot manipulate you, and that she can trust you to control her. Only then can she truly relax into her submission, and only then will you truly own her.

Praise and feedback can be your most powerful tool for training the truly submissive pet who is eager to please. Your praise should be genuine, specific, and certainly not patronizing.

Just as with corrections, praise will sometimes be immediate and sometimes delayed; both are equally important for your pet to hear.

Immediate praise usually occurs during play and might be along the lines of “good girl” when she behaves appropriately or attempts something challenging; “perfect, that’s just how I like it,” when you are inspecting her or responding to her attentions; “you’re doing fine,” etc.

While your pet certainly enjoys immediate praise during a scene, she also needs specific feedback in the days following a scene. Let her know what pleased you, what surprised you, and why it made you happy.

Your pet will truly thrive when you acknowledge her spirit and individuality. Above all, she needs to know that you cherish her.

The Gift

 

When the right Owner and pet find each other, they have been given one of life’s most rare and precious gifts. May you and your pet enjoy and treasure your extraordinary good fortune for years to come.
 

Published: 08/31/05