Owner’s Manual (cont.)

 

Limits

Establishing hard and soft limits

Establishing limits is an essential and cooperative activity between you and your pet. In this discussion your pet must be considered your equal, and it is perhaps best conducted outside of the realm of “play.” “Soft limits” refers to activities which are extremely challenging, physically or more often psychologically, but which you or your pet acknowledge may be possible under the right circumstances. “Hard limits” are those activities which either party feels are, for the time being at least, absolutely out-of-bounds and non-negotiable. Hard limits are also the real life ones established by medical problems or the like.

Of course, both hard limits and soft limits may shift and fluctuate as the relationship evolves. While the discussion of limits is often neglected by partners who feel they know each other well, as a responsible owner you should ensure that limits are periodically reviewed.

Pushing hard limits

Any blatant disregard or forcing of hard limits would be considered a serious betrayal of trust and possible grounds for terminating the relationship. A trusted Owner may consider pushing hard limits, but he had better have a compelling reason for doing so, be able to provide extensive aftercare, and be fully available and prepared to deal with any consequences such as rage, “freak-outs,” and depression.

 

Pushing soft limits

In contrast with establishing limits – an exercise between equal partners – and pushing hard limits – which is highly risky and sometimes unwise - pushing soft limits is the Owner’s privilege and responsibility. Challenging your pet to perform beyond her comfort zone should enhance your pet’s feelings of submission, and when successful, will promote intellectual, emotional, and psychological growth for both of you.

Limits are pushed by increasing the level or duration of pain, discomfort, or restraint your pet is required to endure. The discomfort may be physical, psycho-emotional, or a combination.

When pushing soft limits, especially those involving psycho-emotional limits or humiliation, you must exercise caution and care. Even when your pet is well-known to you, her reactions can be unpredictable, volatile, and related to past issues of which you (and she) may be unaware (abuse, painful associations and insecurities). On the other hand, it can be deeply rewarding for you and your pet when you can help her face these limits, push her through them, and guide her safely back on the other side. Your pet’s feeling of submission and devotion will deepen, she will respect your strength, and feel pride of accomplishment. And your own feelings of power, caring, respect, and responsibility toward this creature who has honored you with her trust will be enhanced.

Managing resistance when pushing limits

Of course you will often encounter resistance from your pet when you are attempting to push limits. This is a perilous moment, and you must be sensitive, flexible, calm, and controlled in your response. How you respond will depend upon how well you know your pet and why you believe she is resisting. If you believe she is just testing you or being obstinate, you will need to administer some correction, as discussed later.

However it is more likely your pet wants to please you but is simply overwhelmed with momentary fear or confusion. In that case, you will need to be sensitive to your pet’s vulnerability at this moment, and avoid destructive responses such as sarcasm, attempting to use force, raising your voice, or scolding your pet. Responses such as “I thought you wanted to please me” are unfair and demoralizing to a pet who genuinely does want to please you and is already feeling a sense of fear and failure.

The pet whose Owner mishandles her with harsh words may rightfully question his competence and judgment and wonder if he has her best interests at heart.

More constructive responses to managing resistance might be:

• Acknowledge your pet’s fear, express your confidence in her, and encourage her to try ("I know you are afraid, sweetheart … I believe you can do this, will you try for me?")
• Slightly reduce the difficulty/intensity of the desired activity at first (for example, she may urinate in the tub instead of on newspapers.)
• Remind your pet that she can always use her safeword to interrupt or stop the activity if things get too intense.
• Tell her you will wait a bit and try again later.
• Decide to abandon the attempt for the time being, and tell your pet that you have made this decision (“All right, pet, you do not have to do this for me this time.”) It is important to convey that 1) it was your decision, not hers, and 2) you are not angry or disappointed with her.

The Owner who is able to successfully manage his pet’s resistance to pushing limits will be rewarded with her gratitude, respect, and eagerness to please him even more the next time.

That said, an Owner is only human, and these are highly charged moments. If you do find yourself responding to your pet unfairly or with anger, simply take a break, acknowledge your error, and apologize. Chances are, as long as your pet knows that you respect and cherish her, she will forgive almost anything.
 

 

Published: 08/31/05