The BDSM games are not about pain and humiliation, not even about sex (even
if they could include both), but about power exchange. Of course, for a power
exchange to be possible there must be at least two people. BDSM is not a game
for loners.
In our power exchange games there are two roles: one will play the dominant, the
one who gets the power, gives orders and delivers the punishments and the other
the submissive, the one who gives up the power, the one to be ordered around and
to be punished. I will assume the dom is a man and the sub is a woman not
because men are dominant and women submissive but for the sake of economy, to
avoid the awkward “s/he”s and “him/her”s. In real life, both roles are played by
men and women in similar percentages. You can adapt it to your gender
preferences.
The way our civilization goes, everybody is familiar with the roles of dominant
and dominated. In all history there were kings and nobles and commoners, lords
and serfs, masters and slaves, the conqueror and the conquered. Even the
traditional husband and wife and father and son relationships were of this kind.
For most of human history, that was also the relationship between the Church
priests and their congregation as it is today in some cultural groups. And even
now, in democracies, with laws and Constitutions, it is the relationship between
the government and the citizens as soon as the officials can get it their way,
even when it means reversing the legal roles, in which the citizens are supposed
to be the ones in charge.
So, everybody can understand why somebody finds satisfaction in being the
dominant, as they have had all the benefits along history, but few outside DBSM
can understand why somebody can like being the submissive, the one that is used
and abused.
The difference between real life and BDSM is that the roles in real life are
always nonconsensual. The ones in charge are so because they have the force,
given by their superior arms or physical strength, the supposed wish of God or
the votes of the people (even if betraying their expectations) and they can use
that power for their sole satisfaction. In BDSM the dominant gets his power over
the submissive because the submissive grants it. The submissive consents to be
under the dominant’s control. And she agrees because she enjoys submitting.
The idea of consent is fundamental to understand our games. It is not only the
difference between the usual roles of dominant and dominated and our fantasies,
but also the difference between BDSM games and abuse.
In real life, as in the characters of the sadist and the masochist as seen by
psychology, the dominant is the active player, who can do almost whatever he
wants, with few restraints, to get his satisfaction. The dominated or the
masochist is passive, having to accept and suffer whatever the dominant wants,
because there is no way out.
Not so for us. Both characters are active; both are looking to get what they
need from the game. During the negotiation before a scene both cooperate in
setting the rules and the limits, and the sub has her word about how the scene
should be played, what she likes and dislikes, what she wants and doesn’t want
and what she expects to get from the game.
Even during the scene, the sub often gives indications (which sometimes sound as
orders, in what is known as “topping from the bottom”) about what the dom should
do or shouldn’t do to her. And she has always the safe word, just in case she
finds the scene too demanding.
So, far from being used for the dom’s satisfaction, the sub is enjoying the game
and often using the dom for her satisfaction.
And, at the end, it is the sub, not the dom, who has the control, the one who
will accept or not what can be done to her, no matter what the dom wants. It is
usually easier for the sub to get what she wants, because it is easier to
convince someone to do something to you, even if he doesn’t like it, than to
convince someone to let you do to her something that she doesn’t enjoy. It is
easier, for instance, to convince someone to give you a hard and painful
spanking, even if he is not into it, than to convince someone that doesn’t like
the game to let you give her one.
Admittedly, a “reluctant dom”, who plays the role as a favor to the sub is not
the same as the real thing, because even if he can make the moves, is not going
to dominate the way a sub wants to be dominated, but at least is something, and
your fantasy can, to some extent, provide what is missing. In a consensual game
there can be no “reluctant sub”, because you cannot press somebody to submit. It
would border abuse.
What a dominant gets from his role? What you suspect. It is good being the
master, having somebody in your hands, it is good watching the defeat on her
face, her watery eyes, having your way for a while. In a closely related couple,
it is good feeling the other’s trust, the responsibility of caring for the
other. You never feel closer to your partner than when you have her in your
hands, accepting the suffering and the humiliation as a gift to you.
But you cannot abuse someone, so you must look for a partner
that enjoys the complementary role. For an actual sadist, consent and the fact the other
is enjoying the game would spoil the pleasure.
And why would a sub accept giving up power? Because many people find
satisfaction, now and then and under strictly limited conditions, in
relinquishing the burden of responsibility. For a while, you are not responsible
for what is happening, you can let go and be guided. You don’t need to decide;
the dom will do it for you. You don’t need to think, just to obey.
For modern adults like us, men or women, who must be always in control and have
plenty of responsibilities, submitting can be felt as a return to the carefree
moments of childhood, when somebody cared and decided for you (and, sometimes,
even punished you). And returning to childhood is a dream that can be only
carried out in fantasy.
Also, there is the joy of giving yourself as a present for the other’s pleasure,
trusting the other will not only not hurt you but will do what pleases you, and
the pleasure of receiving the other as a present, to be trusted. For people so
inclined, it is the true expression of “I’m yours” and “You are mine” at the
deepest level. (For a deeper understanding of a sub feelings, see the
Owner’s Manual)
So, far from one getting the pleasure by abusing the other, both get the
pleasure of a shared experience. And that is what BDSM is about.
Published: 03/21/07